Thought spinning round in my head
Thoughts of doom thoughts of dread
Screams held silent
Sometimes my head feels like it is full of wheels that spin and spin and spin, but none of them ever stop, no problem is ever resolved. They just keep on spinning. Do I hold the thoughts so dear that I don’t want to let them go? Open your mouth, scream it out into the cosmos to be absorbed forever.
I don’t like war for any reason, but I have never understood how people can fight and destroy nations and lives in the name of God. It makes no sense to me. Enough said.
“My Scream is Lost in My Head”
Surrounded by chaos? Sometimes the world around you gets so crazy and out of control that you can’t even find your scream. It, along with every other thing that’s going on in your life, seems to roam around in the space between your thoughts; if you have any space left. Being overwhelmed does not have to make you crazy. Find an outlet, anything that makes you feel better. Make some art. Make some noise. Cook something tasty and sweet. Run a marathon or run to the mailbox. Beat up an old pillow. Just do something to move your energy around and your scream will find you. Never keep your scream inside!
I love/hate the American Civil War. The stories are fascinating, like something out of an epic movie. It was an important event in our history I know, but I really hate war of any kind. My husband and I took a road trip to Shiloh Battlefield in west Tennessee. The word “shiloh” is a Hebrew word that can be roughly translated as “the peaceful one” (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/shiloh). We both grew up in Tennessee but neither of us had ever been there. I remember walking through the park, and coming to the mass grave that was edged in cannon balls. I stood there silent. I had never felt in my heart such pain and suffering. I don’t remember how many soldiers lost their lives that bloody day, all I know is that so many families were changed forever. It was an eerie, sad, uncomfortable feeling.
I found out several years ago that my great, great grandfather, William McIntyre, and his brother John, were Confederate soldiers. They joined the army when they were 13 and 15 years old! Long story short, they were sent off to Manassas, Virignia, and by some miracle, their unit did not make it there. Manassas was one of the bloodiest battles of the war. I did further research and found that their father, James C. McIntyre, at the age of 45, was also in the Confederate Army and was captured. He spent a year as a prisoner of war. He was discharged from the Confederate Army and “joined” the United States Army. His records, found on a great website, http://www.fold3.com, stated that he “don’t care which side wins.” He went home and so did two sons. One other son, Henry, was killed in the battle of Chancellorsville.
I do not want to imagine how my great, great grandmother felt. I do not want to imagine how any mother felt. I do not want to imagine how many mothers feel, now or ever. Shiloh Screams, silent screams, the world screams.
If I Scream in the Woods…..
Some of us like to do things ourselves. Yes everything, by ourselves. We don’t need help, and we don’t want to ask for help because we can do it all. Hmm… We don’t want to bother other people with our problems. Hmm… HUMANS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ALONE! We are each just one tiny cell in the organism of humanity and connected to the universe by a tiny cosmic thread. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!! If you don’t ask for help, how will anyone know you need it. Remember the philosophical saying, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it does it make a sound?” If no one can HEAR your voice, how can you expect to be HEARD?
Today’s “scream” was untitled.
“I Scream When I’m Empty Inside”
That’s the title of the drawing above. It is a simple price of art. Made from those gel pens that you buy at any school supply store of art store, and a piece of black mat board.
Around 1895, an artist named Edvard Munch created a small painting called “The Scream.” it recently sold at auction for $119,922,500! Sotheby’s reported that the version sold was one of four versions created by the artist. It is the most colorful and vibrant of the four ,the article says. It is the only version whose original frame was hand-painted by the artist to include his poem detailing the work’s inspiration; and the only version in which one of the two figures in the background turns to look outward onto the cityscape. I did not know there was more than one version of this famous painting until now.
In 2005 I took on the responsibility of helping my elderly aunt and uncle. They are my father’s sister and brother. The are Greek. Greeks are different, at least I thought mine were. Neither of them ever married or had children. They lived in the same house that my great uncle Tony bought in 1935. I lived in that house with the rest of the Greeks until I was 10 or 11 years old. My American mom had enough and moved my two brothers and me out.
Fast forward to 2005 when I “inherited” the Greek aunt and uncle and 80 years worth of stuff. I found myself going through a sort of “hell” of my own creation, after all I volunteered to fix everything. It all worked out, eventually. They say everything goes according to Divine Plan. My uncle passed away with a brain tumor and my aunt is still living (Is alive anyway) in a nursing home with severe dementia. Everything always works as it should. Hmmm… So during that time, I found that those little gel pens, my black mat board, and the encouragement of my cousin George and my friend Bettye led me to explore a part of myself I had not known. I did dozens of those screams. They helped me to vent….a lot! It was not easy being a caregiver.
I just thought now is the time to share them. I’ll wont post them all, just the ones that I am inspired to share. Art should speak to the viewer. Remember, all viewers do not speak the same language. Let it speak to you. And if you are taking care of the older members of your family, please know that it is tough, but remember that they took care of you. When you get pissed off at them, just know that part of them is already gone, and that they would never ever knowingly hurt you. Take some time for yourself when you can and breathe, long deep breaths. Find a creative outlet, anything that sets your mind free. Life is truly a roller coaster! Enjoy the ride!